UK Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, made the following announcement
today, following news that scientists have reconstructed the entire
genome of the Neanderthal, extinct for 30,000 years, together with the
intriguing possibility of being able to clone a "neo-Neanderthal".

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandtechnology/science/4602040/AAAS-...

“Naturally, we are all very excited by these developments, while
cautioning there is still a great deal of work to be done.

What is of prime concern to us in Government is that the scientific
developments go hand in hand with the necessary updating of equality
and human rights legislation.

What would be intolerable, indeed totally abhorrent, would be for
science to re-introduce into our inclusive society a  near- cousin of
ourselves, one potentially capable of enriching all our lives, only
for that new arrival to find him or herself shunned or marginalized as
a result of ignorance or unthinking prejudice.

To this end I am setting up a special working party to ensure that any
Neanderthal recreated in Britain receives full protection of the law
within our multicultural society. That means that our existing
legislation will need to be brought up to date to ensure that
Neanderthals will enjoy exactly the same rights and privileges as the
non-Neanderthal population.

 Part of its taskforce's remit must be to ensure that new teaching
modules will be introduced into citizenship classes in schools.  Our
children must grow up to understand that neo-neanderphobia will under
no circumstances be tolerated within our society – one that prides
itself on embracing diversity

 In the event of language differences, the first cohort of
Neanderthals will be fully supported at no cost to themselves of a
wide range of interpreting and translation services.”

The Home Secretary later went on to announce the appointment of Lady
Bullingham- Fanquango to head up the new Special Neanderthal
Opportunity Uptake Taskforce (SNOUT), which will have its HQ in
Belgravia.

 Her recently deceased husband, Lord Bullingham-Fanquango, previously
Bernard Entwhistle of the Blackpool Casinos plc, has been a long-
standing supporter of the Labour Party.  His sudden death last year
resulted in the dropping of investigations by a Commons Select
Committee into illegal donations to an unnamed political party.

 In return for three days a month, Lady Bullingham-Fanquango has
agreed to accept a nominal honorarium for her services.  It is
understood that both her stipend of £175,000 a year, and salaries for
her staff, estimated at £2.5 million annually, will be met from a
special grant awarded by the National Lottery for activities promoting
harmony within the community.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/energy/4383062/Shell-falls-to-fourth-quarter-loss-as-oil-prices-tumble.html

Shell falls to fourth-quarter loss as oil prices tumble

Royal Dutch Shell, Europe’s largest oil company, fell to a loss in the final three months of last year as its results mirrored the dramatic move in the price of oil.

By Telegraph staff
Last Updated: 9:26AM GMT 29 Jan 2009

Royal Dutch Shell A

Shell - the first of the major oil companies to report results for last year - recorded a net loss of $2.81bn (£2bn) in the three months to December as prices for oil and gas slumped in the face of the global downturn.

However for 2008 as a whole, the company managed to increase profits by 14pc to a record $31bn.

******************************************************************
B: The Times's version of events

http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/industry_sectors/natural_resources/article5609802.ece

From Times Online

January 29, 2009

Shell racks up record profit at £60m a day

Patrick Hosking

Shell posted one of the biggest profits in history for a British company, revealing today that it made $31.4 billion (£22 billion) in 2008, up by 14 per cent on 2007.

The record profits — equivalent to £60 million a day — came as the oil giant admitted that it was being hit by the plunging crude oil price and weakening demand for oil and gas.

Profits in the fourth quarter of 2008 fell by 28 per cent to $4.8 billion, which was below City forecasts.

"The profits were struck on Shell's preferred measure, the so-called current cost of supplies basis, which measures underlying performance.

In strict fair-value accounting terms, Shell reported a $2.8 billion loss for the quarter because of the dwindling value of its huge inventories."

In other words, Shell's fourth quarter performance depends on how one does the balance sheet, ie whether to include some or all the running down of stocks.

Shell may well have made a loss in the fourth quarter; following one strict accounting convention. But that would not justify The Telegraph making a headline out of  what was essentially a hiccup that would probably be much less visible in the full year's accounts.

Reminder: this post is not primarily about Shell and whether its black gold is flowing faster or slower than normal.

It's about the reading public being confronted with contradictory headlines, and having no immediate means of alerting the editorial staff.  Why is there not a link to the journalists beneath each and every story?  This should be seen as an obligatory feature, surely, given that new stories posted online are unlikely to be given the same degree of in-house scrutiny as those that appear in the print edition.

Are we readers expected to remain mute when we see obvious errors or contradictions?

****************************************************

Update: 9:30 pm

The Telegraph has now totally re-written its story, under the name Garry White (5.22pm).  There is now no mention of fourth quarter losses:

What I’m about to write here, while mentioning no names, will look like I’m getting at someone.

Not just anybody, but the most powerful man in the land.

Too bloody true I am.

Any resemblance here to anyone living or dead  (sometimes it’s difficult to tell the difference) is, I can assure you, entirely intentional.  (Yes, I’ve placed wedges under the front and back doors, and have jotted down the number of the National Council of Civil Liberties).

Our Constitution – you know – that  thing still in rough draft that's scattered around on assorted scraps of yellowing parchment,  scribblings on the backs of envelopes I wouldn’t be surprised -  is severely deficient in one important respect. It allows dark horses to seize control of what is supposed to be a democracy.

I’m sure I don’t need to spell it out.

Flash Boy and Dark Horse had a meal together at the Hard Rock Café, or maybe it was a bit more upmarket.

Irrespective, they struck a deal.

Flash Boy goes in first, then it’s Buggins’ turn. 

Buggins  gets the job of looking after the accounts, you know, like being  Treasurer of the sports club, where the  job is basicallly to say “No, my dear, not this year, I’m afraid, but maybe next, funds permitting”. Except Buggins  went in, and made bloody damn sure there were funds in his personal campaign  war chest.

How did he manage to pull off such a coup? He did it by realizing there was a lot of the ready stuffed inside other peoples' mattresses for a rainy day, so decided to raid them on a regular basis.

OK, OK, I’m larding this with far too much detail. You know the rest of the story – how Buggins was not content to say “It’s a choice between this or that spending”

Oh no, he became steadily more prescriptive, nay dictatorial, telling the other spending ministries what they could or could not have.

Spending had to conform to Buggins' own (not the PM’s)  political agenda for domestic consumption. Flash was essentially sidelined into being Foreign Secretary.

 All the ambitious underlings knew  to keep their nostrils in pristine condition, because Buggins would finally get his turn. So they tacked, they jockeyed, they kowtowed,  and  no doubt underwent numerous other contortions  to make damn sure they were well placed when it became Buggins' turn.

Buggins now has the top job, and what was his first act? To renege on that promise he made to put the EU Constitution to the vote.

I need hardly remind you of the sleight of hand used to con the electorate –  that magic switch of semantics from Constitution to Treaty.   "Treaty is the NEW detergent  that washes whiter than white. It  is totally different from Brand X..."

We now have a deeply unpopular man at the helm, secure in his post until 2010 we are told, but only there because the MPs in his own party approved the promotion.

They were hardly likely to do otherwise – political patronage being what it is. 

Our splendid Monarch, for whom I have the greatest respect, now has to endure his presence at the Palace each Wednesday, where he no doubt regales her with the iniquity of Simon Cowell and the  X Factor.   I hope the corgis are well trained to do the necessary, restricting his calling hours to the bare minimum.  Of course, the roses will suffer. 

 Meanwhile, the serious business of the country descends into ever greater farce or scandal. We have a panic pre-Budget report, really two major Budgets rolled into one, with a Cunning Plan to double the Natiional Debt to a trillion quid in 5 years, with no mention of how we are going to meet the minimum monthly payment, recently guesstimated at over £4 billion each month. Fiscal black hole beckons, some of us fear.

MPs are the told that it’s not a real budget, of course, and  have only a day to debate before they are sent off on their autumn recess, to give them convalescence time  so as to be mentally up to hearing more of Buggins' plans next week (aka the Queen's Speech).

 Back in the real world,  a member of the Shadow Cabinet finds himself  treated as  a common criminal, or political subversive, simply for acting on information that has come into his hands about suppression of information that should have been in the public domain weeks or months ago.  He becomes essentially a Brazilian electrician, but without the firearms, at least for now.

 The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland , supposedly the Mother of Parliaments, becomes an economic basketcase  cum Stasi police state, all happening in the time scale of Buggins’ turn. 

Coincidence? Who knows? But why should the country be stuck with dark horse Buggins when it needs a proper  leader  - someone the people can trust, either with the skills to lead and communicate, or one able to call upon those skills.

I believe two things must now happen.

Firstly,  Her Majesty must dissolve Parliament under whatever emergency powers  are available to her, and call  a General Election. She might consider installing a caretaker Government of the great and the good as an interim measure.

Yes, please give special consideration to Jeremy Clarkson as acting PM, Vince Cable as Chancellor, and myself and missus to head up the "Tango the Quango" ministry.

Secondly, the Constitution must be amended to prevent a recurrence of our present situation.

 If a PM resigns or steps down  mid-term for whatever reason -  ill health, scandal whatever  - then the maximum period that a caretaker PM can serve before calling a General Election would be a prescribed period, say one year.

 Our system does not allow us to vote directly for the leader of HM government, comparable to the US Presidential elections, despite the UK PM   increasingly resembling a de facto president, with each passing year. 

But it’s quite intolerable in my view that a Buggins, chosen perhaps for skills other than those required of a PM, can become PM and remain in that role for the rest of his predecessor’s  term, which could be up to 5 years.

 Buggins has botched. Buggins must go. But there’s no  obvious mechanism at present to do so. If it please your Majesty, find a means to act,  even if it means sorting through those mouldering scraps of parchment,  and then act quickly.